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Internationally acclaimed medical device for massage therapy, detox, oxygenation, steady weight loss via passive aerobic exercise, spinal alignment, energy and mental focus.
Too bad the “Clinical Trials” link on that page isn’t really a link at all. Fortunately the testimonials more than make up for that.
But which Chi Machine should you buy?
Perhaps the one with “The Most Bells and Whistles”: Evergain 308DL All In One Health Spa Chi Exercise Machine whose features include, among others:
• Magnet therapy and reflexology (more magnets than ever!)
• Supercharges circulation in your blood and lymphatic system. Toxins get flushed from your system faster and with less effort.
• 1 year manufacturers warranty that ensures you’ll have extensive and reliable relaxation far into the future!
Yup. As far into the future as one whole year. Imagine that. Oh! Oh! You also get an eye pillow and a bonus audio CD to listen to while you wobble!
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Mantras and chants for every occasion!
A few examples:
Mantra for Making Yourself or An Object Invisible!
Mantra for Moving Objects with Mind Alone!
Magic Word for Sommoning Salamander Spirits!
The chant that relieves BLADDER PROBLEMS!
The chant that heals SORE GUMS!
The magic word that effects SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED DISEASES!
The chant that prevents HAIR LOSS!
The chant that reduces SWELLINGS!
CHANT TO FIND A JOB!
CHANT TO CONTROL THE WEATHER!
CHANT FOR SUCCESS IN A LEGAL DISPUTE!
CHANT TO TURN AN ENEMY INTO FRIEND!
CHANT TO RID YOURSELF OF AN UNWANTED PERSON!The last one might be the most likely to work, although Salamander Spirits may be easy to summon, too. And remember: No candles, incenses or oil needed!
While you’re visiting their site, check out the Unspoken Master Command Power. Almost too good to be true. Almost.
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![[Warning: Nasty pics behind the links]
Some people are shy about their crap:
First of all, I must say it feels a bit weird to be sending pics of my poo to complete strangers… but all in the name of good sportsmanship! It felt even stranger to TAKE pics of my poo…
Some are not:
I got a plastic utensil and whacked at it a little bit. It unraveled and looked like a long piece of intestine. I picked it up with the plastic utensil and sure enough it was a 20 inch piece of awful looking matter that had probably been stuck to the walls of my intestines for many years! So I got the digital camera and took my first picture of the death that existed inside of me.
Who could argue against colon cleansing when there are assloads of testimonies with pictures of rubbery turds? And this kind of toxicity talk scaring the shit out of you:
The heavy mucus coating in the colon thickens and becomes a host of putrefaction. The blood capillaries to the colon begin to pick up the toxins, poisons and noxious debris as it seeps through the bowel wall. All tissues and organs of the body are now taking on toxic substances. Here is the beginning of true autointoxication on a physiological level. This accumulation can have the consistency of truck tire rubber. It’s that hard and black.](http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_l03lecYrDj1qbr521o1_500.jpg)
[Warning: Nasty pics behind the links]
Some people are shy about their crap:
First of all, I must say it feels a bit weird to be sending pics of my poo to complete strangers… but all in the name of good sportsmanship! It felt even stranger to TAKE pics of my poo…
I got a plastic utensil and whacked at it a little bit. It unraveled and looked like a long piece of intestine. I picked it up with the plastic utensil and sure enough it was a 20 inch piece of awful looking matter that had probably been stuck to the walls of my intestines for many years! So I got the digital camera and took my first picture of the death that existed inside of me.
Who could argue against colon cleansing when there are assloads of testimonies with pictures of rubbery turds? And this kind of toxicity talk scaring the shit out of you:
The heavy mucus coating in the colon thickens and becomes a host of putrefaction. The blood capillaries to the colon begin to pick up the toxins, poisons and noxious debris as it seeps through the bowel wall. All tissues and organs of the body are now taking on toxic substances. Here is the beginning of true autointoxication on a physiological level. This accumulation can have the consistency of truck tire rubber. It’s that hard and black.
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Medical magnetotherapeutical devices, good for your body and veggies!
There are 6 basic classified groups and effects:
* Pain-killing (analgesic)
* Myo-relaxing (relief from spasms)
* Anti-oedema (anti-swelling)
* Vasodilatative (widening the bloodstream)
* Detoxification (accelerating metabolism)
* Healing and regenerative, anti-inflammatory, anti-rheumaticIt’s OK. They have certificates.
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CD after CD chock-full of audio software for personalized sound therapy!
“Science has learned from the study of our DNA that there are standard vibratory patterns (speed of the electrons), based in mathematics, to our physical structure that are common to all humans. We also know from the study of brain waves there are healthy vibratory patterns, based in mathematics, that are indicative of optimum brain performance. We have discovered there is also a standard vibratory pattern, based in mathematics, to the portion of the human energy field which surrounds the physical brain. Metatones uses these common human vibratory formulas to balance, clear and synchronize the vibratory patterns of the physical brain and the portion of the human energy field that surrounds the human brain. Based on the long established principle of resonance, consistent use of the Metatones sound therapy will gradually correct the deeply ingrained vibratory patterns which cause mental disabilities and behavioral problems.”
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The wonderful world of zapping and frequency therapy gadgets:
You can treat yourself with this wonderful apparatus with Wobble + DIRP functions!
You can zap your teeth with the Tooth Zappicator!
You can even zap your food with (you guessed it) the Food Zappicator!
It makes perfect sense if you just repeat to yourself: DIRP! DIRP! DIRP!
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Enhance the Feng Shui of your Dining and Living Room with Fuk Luk Sau!
“Fuk Luk Sau should be placed on a high side table in the dining room from where they are said to create auspicious chi for the entire household. At the office, Fuk Luk Sau can be placed behind you giving vital support and good fortune.”
Why not throw in a few of these. (The most universally accepted symbol of WEALTH is the Gold bar made of gold chromed brass.)
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(And 9 of your friends, since the minimum order is 10 sets.)
“The Iridology will be your health counselor, tell you how to keep away from the illness.”
